I found out today

That for a long time

There’s been a part of me that refuses to follow others

For fear of being inadequate if I did

Or of feeling small and inferior.

This part of me

Desperately wanted to lead

But not to follow.

It had judgments about people, which sounded like

“I know better”

“Neh - they don’t get it.”

“I don’t want to.”

All great, but simply backward rationalizations for a refusal to follow.

Today,

In looking at my desire to have children,

And to give them an amazing life…

I became aware that,

It is impossible to lead well

Until one has followed

And knows what it feels like to be led in different ways - good and bad.

While it felt gross to admit,

This part of me led to a huge amount of people being thrown into the category of

“Those who have nothing to teach me.”

And robbed people I care about of the chance to practice leading

Simply because I didn’t want to feel small.

So today, I made the decision

To allow others to lead me

To affect me emotionally,

And to be willing to follow -

In humble service

To myself.

And to those who I hope to lead in the future.