As I stand at the bottom of a tree, 

There’s an eagerness

To get to the top

And a sadness that I’m not there yet. 

Let’s call it Top Envy

As I climb,

With every branch upward, 

This sadness slowly diminishes. 

But interestingly,

It doesn’t just disappear,

But gets replaced

Replaced by a pressure

To not mess anything up

Because one slip up, even a small one

Or an errant wind

That I wasn’t expecting

Could send me tumbling way back down to the bottom,

Hitting every branch along the way. 

Let’s call it Fear of the Fall. 

Looking at this phenomena, I noticed the same thing with my relationship to money. 

The more I succeeded, the more my Top Envy was replaced with my Fear of the Fall;

Where any diminishment to my afforded lifestyle seemed dangerous

And anything that might put my elevated income at risk became a really big deal. 

Just like the tiny winds when you’ve climbed to the top of a tree.

Taking risks that might put this income in jeopardy? 

No thanks. 

Doing things that were more authentic to me, but that ran the risk of making less money? 

I’ll shelve that idea for now. 

And the more money I made, 

The more my self image revolved around money, 

And the more money and energy it required to upkeep. 

Until the whole thing came crashing down…

I lost all the money,

And had to move in with my parents at 28;

Which shattered my whole self image. 

The reason I share this

Is to illuminate potential traps you might run into. 

Money isn’t bad, 

Caring about it isn’t bad, 

Nor are either of those things inherently good. 

But seeing these patterns as they’re happening can help one nimbly avoid them, before they become a real problem. 

Maybe if I can accurately depict a trap that I stepped in, then you, dear reader, can sidestep it gracefully with a pep in your step. 

To your freedom, in whatever it is you are pursuing.